overanalytically | MoM Continuations

[ Damn, he's caught out. The embarrassment flares a little brighter before Spock attempts to stuff it down, determined not to give Jim any more ammunition from it (too late). ]

Do you have issue with my definition?

That's just it. You didn't give me a definition. All you said was that it was a term of endearment. What's it actually mean and what kind of "emotional connotations"?

[ Damn it, Jim, stop calling him out. He takes a subtle deep breath before answering, again on the clinical side. He just hopes Jim won't prod any further into it after this. ]

While ashayam has no technical translation, the root of it, ashaya, is a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude towards a person.

[Remember that time you bonded with this piece of shit? You have no one to blame but yourself.]

So, "ashayam" is the target of that "deep tender affection"?

[He's just going to keep poking at him like this. He's looking directly into Spock's eyes, or trying to.]

[ His usual bland expression is back in place by this point so he does meets Jim's eyes despite the emotional connotations of his confirmation. ]

Affirmative.

You said that to me twice last night.

[He comes forward and rests their foreheads together.]

Show me.

[ Spock blinks at Jim's request, but he doesn't pull back or protest the movement. In fact, it's quite nice with the way Jim is on his lap. ]

Show you?

Show me what you mean by ashaya.

[ There's another flutter of hesitation, a hint of embarrassment. ]

Were you not able to detect it last night?

[He pulls at the hesitation and embarrassment, wanting to expose it fully but work on calming it. He presses closer, murmuring against his lips.]

I felt something like what you described but I didn't know what it meant last night.

[His lips brush ever so slightly against Spock's.]

[ Spock's lips part on the next inhale, breathing in Jim's air. ]

Then ... you wish for a repeated performance? [ It's only a minor deflection, though sincerely asked. ]

Not exactly. Not...necessarily physical. [Because James T. Kirk can't bring himself to completely rule out physicality in any way.]

Mind meld with me. I want to understand it like that.

[ There's a soft huff of breath through Spock's nose at the minor hesitation on Jim's clarification.

Though the soft amusement dies down again at the mention of a mind meld. ]

... Jim, you know the reasons for my hesitation regarding mind melds.

We've done it before. I was fine after. If anything I'd be able to tolerate it better, now.

[It's been a couple months after all. Spock will be able to feel Jim's determination behind his words, though they're soft.]

What is your reasoning for that conclusion?

[ It's a minor deflection, he knows, but he is curious to know why Jim thinks that. ]

[He sees it for what it is and decides to play this game for now.]

We've been bonded for a couple of months already and last time the only side effect was a migraine. You even said it wouldn't be so bad once we've been bonded for a little bit.

[ Damn. Jim's logic is sound. His prolonged exposure to the bond, such as it is at any rate, would have prepared him for future mind melds. Possible infection of profound grief or madness aside, that is. He hadn't really planned on Jim remembering his words on it.

He could argue that even that amount of exposure wasn't sufficient to hold back the maelstrom that Spock expects from the depths of his own mind. He could ignore his own statements of his preference for mind melds that he's made to others like Gregor and Miles. He could even claim that he would require meditation after the deep emotional exposure of the night before, to prepare a calmer mind for a meld.

But more than any of those arguments, he feels Jim's determination, that stubbornness that is uniquely Jim. This is Spock's no-win scenario that he will lose: he ultimately can't say no to Jim.

Besides, it's infinitely harder to pull away when Jim is literally sitting on his lap.

It's almost a full minute that Spock evaluates Jim's request, his eyes downcast and focused on one of the bruises purpling in the middle of Jim's chest. His thoughts are purposefully muted from their link, only their bond hinting at the difficulty of such a submission. ]

... I would ask that you allow me to direct the meld, to not probe into areas that I am not yet ready to expose for your safety.

[He knows he's pushing Spock by asking this again so soon after being denied, but he backs off when he feels Spock turn inwards.

It takes a long time and Jim also physically has backed off a bit to wait, sensing, more than actively seeking, from the bond the thought that Spock is putting into what Jim has said.

At Spock's answer, there's a subconscious wave of relief--if only because Spock has said "no" at least a couple of times before this. He had been starting to wonder if there was another reason Spock didn't want to meld with him.

In response, he leans forward for another tender kiss. He pulls back.]

Yeah, of course.

[ He sighs softly into the kiss and again when he pulls back, his tone somewhat resigned. ]

I presume you wish to attempt it now rather than at a later time.

[He nods.]

Yeah.

[Before Spock can change his mind after all.]

[ Damn again. He was half-hoping for a chance to meditate since it would help to calm his mind. Neither here nor there now.

With a slow deep breath, Spock shifts his hands away from his grip on Jim's ass. One resettles on his hip, the other raises to Jim's face, cool fingertips gently touching his cheekbone, his temple, and his jaw. ]

My mind to your mind, [ he whispers, his voice low and tight in an effort to control the cold flutter of dread in his stomach. ] My thoughts to your thoughts ...

[Nope, Jim isn't giving Spock any kind of chance to back down.

He reaches out across their link to try and soothe that dread, Jim confident that whatever was worrying Spock so would end up okay in the end.

When that hand comes to his face, Jim instinctively relaxes, opening himself up and emanating his pure trust. He wants to make sure that's the first thing that hits Spock from his side of the bond.]

[ The first thing that hits Jim from Spock's mind is a whole mess of complicated and tangled emotions. The feardreadanxiety of his worries warring with the trustbrightaffection he feels for Jim slams into Jim's mind with an unexpected ferocity; it takes a few seconds for Spock to dial it back, exert a level of control over it that won't overwhelm Jim. That meditation really would have helped in this case, deflection from the subject or no, and Spock regrets not pushing that aspect of it for a brief thought before it too is controlled and sorted away.

He focuses on the brighter emotions of Jim, flashes of memories from the night before surfacing more easily now. The mind meld makes it as though Jim were the one experiencing the memories, looking at himself through Spock's mind—and he feels fit to burst, buried so deeply inside of Jim with him squirming and moaning in his arms, it's all he can do not to come right then and there when Jim's voice hits that certain pitch that sends shivers down his spinebefore the memory floats away, Spock directing his thoughts more easily now. He brings forth only certain aspects of those memories, the word ashayam into the forefront. He was telling the truth that is had no direct translation in Standard – like most Vulcan words, the meaning and depth of his native language loses its preciseness and luster when converted.

But here like this in the meld, Jim will feel how the word tugs at Spock's heart, his very katra/soul/self responding to it. There's a depth behind it that even the link they shared the night before couldn't convey in the heat of the moment, more profound than anything he's felt to this point in his life. The cord responds to it, reaching out to Jim and connecting, the meaning of it shooting across like electricity along a wire. ]

[He is nearly knocked senseless by the onslaught once the meld is established but he recovers quickly enough.

He tries to emphasize that he doesn't want Spock to feel that he needs to organize himself beforehand. It's a deep acceptance, a reassurance that when Spock is ready, Jim's there to see whatever Spock wants to show him.

That flashback from last night is bizarre and kind of hot from a different point of view--it sends a shiver down his own spine--but back to what Jim wanted to feel.

He lets the pitch, timbre, the accent of the word as Spock had said it wash over him. Without tapping into its meaning yet, he decides it's a pleasant word to hear all by itself, especially in Spock's voice.

Like this, Jim is able to grasp its meaning more wholly than any words to explain it in Standard would allow. He's grateful that Spock is allowing him to understand it like this. It goes straight to the heart of him and he savors it, feeling it as deeply as he can while they're melded and wanting to hold onto it. It's overwhelming in its depth, enough to physically take Jim's breath away. He reaches along their cord, absorbing and then reflecting the same feelings--though the word doesn't have a Standard equivalent, he at least knows through its meaning that he feels the same and can reciprocate.]

Edited 2016-08-01 01:58 (UTC)

[ It takes Spock's breath away too, the feeling of it being reciprocated, reflected and answered back.

A bit of the embarrassment Spock felt earlier floats back into existence suddenly—there is actually a closer translation, the confession prompted by Jim's reaction, but Spock hadn't wanted to scare Jim with its meaning. ]

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